heartache

heartache is like shitting…

if you let her go, you’ll getting better,,,!!!

Blonde Patient In Pain

A girl says to her doctor, “You have to help me. I hurt all over.”

She touches her right knee with her index finger and says, “Ow! That hurts.”

She touches her left cheek with her index finger and says, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”

She touches her right earlobe with her index finger and says, “Ow! Even that hurts.”

The doctor says, “Are you a natural blonde?”

She replied, “Yes.”

The doctor says, “You have a sprained finger.”

Bad and Worse News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some worse news.

Patient: Ouch… I suppose you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called back with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s horrible! Oh My God! WHAT could be WORSE than that?

Doctor: Well, I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

New Age Doctor

A woman, after trying everyting and having perhaps worst chronic headache ever, goes to a famous “new age” holistic doctor as a last resort. “Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won’t go away.”

“The doctor replied, “You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: “I really don’t have a headache, I really don’t have a headache”.

“Do it as long as it takes, the headache will eventually vanish.”

As she leaves the doctor’s office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating “I really don’t have a headache, I really don’t have a headache…”. She had barely said it four times when she realized her headache was gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.

“Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He’s been having problems in a certain department… how can I put it… ”

“When was the last time you two had sex?”

“About eight years ago.”

“Send him over.”

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, when he’s finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife had become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

“That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife…..”

Anything For Love

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

“Doctor, I can’t seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can’t satisfy her. What can I do?”

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, “Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you’ll find that you’ll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.”

“Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.”

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

“Be prepared, my darling. I’m going to ravish you,” she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor’s advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his “therapy”.

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, “Yes?”

“Sir, I’m with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?” said the officer.

“Yes, officer, I’m inspecting my truck’s rear axle,” he replied confidently.

“Well, why don’t you check the brakes while you’re down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.”

A Midget Down In Texas

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method used to check for a hernia.

“Aha!” mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

“Aha!” said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, “How does that feel now?” The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it. What did you do?”

The doctor replied, “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.”

The Delivery

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

My Stomach Hurts

A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.

The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

“What’s the matter hun?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

Men Are Great Listeners

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

Top 10 List of Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

I’ve never had any major surgery so I consider myself pretty lucky, however not everyone can say that. I get scared just thinking about going under the knife, and if I ever did – these are 10 things that I surely don’t want to hear my doctor say…
Has anyone seen my watch?
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that… uh… thingy over there.
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
Damn, there go the lights again…
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
What do you mean, he’s not insured?
Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”